Not a day goes by I don't miss what was supposed to be.
The second of every month always makes me sad. Newborns make my heart ache a little. A new mom makes me a little anxious. It's not because I don't want someone else to have a healthy baby and it's not because I'm jealous of that new mom, but it reminds me of my angel who never had a chance at life.
I question it daily. Why acrania? Why anencephaly? Why me? What did I do wrong? I know the answer. I did nothing wrong, nothing at all. It's a freak thing, as some people would say. I'm learning to cope. I'm learning to talk about it without crying. I'm learning to accept that He wanted me to have a child who would die before she ever took a first breath. It's life. It's my life. Am I angry still? Yes. Do I wish it never happened? Yes. Do I miss the memories we never made? Yes.
Although Cameron Faith never met her big sister, was never swaddled by her daddy and never came home to a crib, she's given me so much more than even I would have imagined.
1.Erin and Alex Jackson, plus Tanner and Lauren--God works in amazing ways. Erin and I played soccer together. In fact, she's one of the first people I met when moving here. We were friends, not great friends, but we chatted at every game and did the small talk people do when they don't really hang out. When she learned about Cameron, Erin came to my side without hesitation. She listened to me cry for what seemed like an hour. She sent flowers, text messages and cards. She prayed. She worried. She loved me and my family. It was that moment that a life-long friendship was made. Cameron brought Erin into my life. It's like she knew I needed it. I lost my sweet baby, but I gained an amazing best friend for life.
2. Amy- my dear friend Amy. She was the first person I 'met' who had a baby with anencephaly. What a blessing she has been! She talks, I talk, she listens, I listen, we cry, we laugh, we worry together. We feel like we've known each other our whole lives. We're connected forever through our grief. I hate that's how we met, but I'm glad I call her my friend and rock.
3. Better mom-I'm a great mom. I love Turner. She's my life. I'd do anything for her. But I'm an even BETTER mom now. Cameron taught me that life is precious. You don't always get to keep what you want. You can't take life or people for granted. Love what you already have, mourn what you've lost, and always be thankful for what He has given you.
4.On a mission- Anencephaly and acrania are rare. They're fatal. It's not always pretty. Have you googled it? People make fun of it. They laugh at the babies for how they look. They blame the moms. It's not funny. It's nothing to joke about. It's real and if I find out you're making fun of it, I will let you know. Oh, you're a nursing student? You think anencephaly is funny? You think the images are 'hilarious'? Why yes, I will email your dean to let them know what you posted on twitter for everyone to see, how you laughed when you saw an image. (true story, she was punished through the university) I want to become a pillar of strength for other women. I want to protect them from the immature people who've never met a parent who had a baby with this condition. I'm also part of studies. Hopefully, one day....I can help find out why our sweet babies were given this diagnoses.
Each day gets easier, sort of. It's more like a roller coaster. One day I'm great, the next I'm sad. But I'll be ok. I'll see her again. I'll help other women along the way. Cameron taught me I have to be strong for those I love. She's opened up a new world to me, so thank you sweet girl. Mommy will always love you.
